ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Randomize
