Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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