I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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