I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize