These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
