Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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