Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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