omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
