Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
