i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
