8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
