normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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