Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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