college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
