The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
