Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Hippo gnu deer
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
this hospital has no fireball
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
