if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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