You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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