Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
