My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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