Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
