I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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