I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I stole a fireplace last night.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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