why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
