I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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