Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
