I can't watch pbs sober anymore
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
