I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
