He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
