didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
