She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize