i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize