It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
