I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
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