i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
