We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Hippo gnu deer
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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