I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
