i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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