I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
