i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
