I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
