She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
