btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
