Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
