they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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