Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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