I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
