This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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