Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You need Xanax blowdarts
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
