it was like his penis was on wheels.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
