my phone needs a breathalizer
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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