I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
