she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
