were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
