he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
