Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize